When pants aren’t allowed

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, you just gotta ditch your pants.

My wonderful wife, Danelle, bought a Groupon for a couple’s massage class.  We didn’t know much going into it, just that we would massage each other with some basic lessons from an instructor.

After arriving at the class, we entered a room to find two rows of massage tables and were told to pick a table.  Danelle decided to pick a table at the back of the room while several other couples were also choosing tables to stand by.  It was while we were picking our table that we realized most of the other couples were dressed casually and comfortably.  They seem to have … I don’t know … prepared for the event.  Danelle and I then realized we both wore jeans.  We were starting to wonder how the massage would go in a group setting while wearing pants, when the instructor spoke up to start the class.  She provided two orders to the group.

  1. The person who chose the bed would be the first one doing the massaging while the other was to get under the sheet on the table.
  2. The person getting under the sheet was to disrobe down to their comfort level.

These instructions created two realizations for us.

  1. Every guy there was getting on a table.
  2. I MIGHT have to take off my pants.

Males everywhere started stripping off clothes like they were auditioning for Magic Mike.  Well fatty don’t play those games!  I distinctly heard the words “COMFORT LEVEL” and despite my dislike of pants, I decided right then and there, that my clothes would stay on.  I got under the sheet like a kid who hates pajamas and hoped for the best.  Perhaps, I pondered, Danelle will just massage my shoulders.

Danelle strode to the front of the class with all of the other females … and one random guy.  I wasn’t sure if he was actually a bold leader who confidently knew which massage table he wanted, or if his girlfriend was SO in charge that she decided those orders given earlier were merely a suggestion.

The teacher used one of the men at the front of the room to demonstrate massage techniques and began to show the art of massaging a calf muscle.  It didn’t take long to realize that I had to ditch my jeans, but now the problem is …. How????

If I had taken off those bad boys while everyone else was ditching their leg constraints, it would have been normal.  Now it’ll just be … weird.  Maybe, I could wiggled off my pants without anyone noticing.  I spent a few moments of wiggling with my hands under my body, but it dawned on me that this probably looked far worse.

OK, time to hop up, get this over with and rip off these denim shackles! I thought.

I jumped up, looked around and hoped I wasn’t the center of attention while I disrobed.  As is often the case, I was disappointed.  Side note, why is it that whenever you want to get your pants off in a hurry they get stuck around your ankles?!  It’s a mystery that may never be answered…

After removing my jeans and enduring the undesired attention of the room, I returned to safety under my sheet.  Danelle returned full of massage knowledge and after a little while we received the next set of orders.  We were given detailed instructions on how to turn from lying face down, to lying on our backs.  Danelle noticed how every man had to sit up and … check himself, before readying himself for the next stage of the massage.

“It’s ok, calm down, just relax … just relax”, a woman said to her man nearby.

Shortly later it was time for the guys to step up and learn how to massage.  I wish I was able to express how competent and awesome men are.  I wish I could share those thoughts, but I just can’t.

The first assigned job was to pull back the sheet to expose the leg we were going to massage.  This job doesn’t seem too difficult, right?  Well a quick glance around the room revealed multiple men turning the sheet into a thong, putting it right up their girlfriend’s butts.  Somehow, none of them seemed to mind.  Later, when it was time for the female to flip from their front to their back, the men were supposed to lift the sheet like a tent.  This would allow them to move without letting the sheet roll with the person and expose them.  Some men didn’t get this concept and instead of just allowing enough space for their girlfriends to turn, they lifted those sheets like 4 feet off the table revealing … everything.

Come on guys, you had one job!  Well … two jobs, but still, you botched them both!

2 thoughts on “When pants aren’t allowed

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