There was a time in high school when I had bargains, or at least I thought I did…
Today, those who know Jon, a decorated Army Ranger, know him as a cold blooded, terrorist crushing, war machine but when we were close friends in high school he was a five foot six, not yet pubescent boy who was a buck twenty soaking wet. However, Jon wasn’t hampered by his small size, he was like a Chihuahua that knew it was destined to grow into a Rottweiler. He had a calm confidence and worldly know how that he carried everywhere. I followed him around like a little brother …. Well a much bigger but younger brother, who was eager to be groomed by his suave friend.
Once, during our junior year of high school, I was complaining to Jon about … well, I forget who so let’s call him Mr. What’s-his-name. Complaining about others was a regular past time for a neurotic high schooler like myself. So, I was confiding in Jon about the offense committed against me by Mr. What’s-his-name and while I was venting my wrath to Jon he looked over at me with a facial expression that projected pure and casual confidence. The kind of confidence only procured through the giving of no damns.
“Jimbo, don’t stress” Jon said, “I’ve got bargains on him.”
I remember wanting more than anything to be able to have his level of not give a damn. Then I thought of what a cool and interesting expression, having bargains on someone is! I promptly took a mental note, as I often did with these nuggets of wisdom bestowed from the wise sage, Jon.
Two days later, I expressed some more of my high school neurotic thoughts to Jon.
“Jimbo, I’ve got bargains, just let me handle it!” Jon asserted once again.
I was a little less calmed this time as he appeared to be in no rush to help resolve the matter, but of course he wasn’t in a rush. This is the obvious draw-back of giving no damns!
The next day, a mutual friend Gabe, came up to us and asked me about Mr. What’s-his-name.
“He’s going down, Gabe! We’ve got bargains on him!” I declared boldly.
As soon as I finished the statement I watched Gabe’s eyes grow as joy swept across his face like Christmas came early.
“You’ve got WHAT, Jimbo?! Who talks like that?!” the words barely escaped before his entire body, and I’m pretty sure even his soul, shook with powerful laughter.
“WHAT?! You see, Jon was saying how … uh … JON, tell him that’s a thing people say!!!”, I called out for my best friend to come to my aid. For some odd reason, Gabe seemed unfamiliar with the expression used by super cool people, like Jon and myself. I looked over to Jon for him to explain the expression he used so often and saw him howling uncontrollably as tears ran down his face.
Replaying the recent events, realizing that Jon created an absurd expression, then spoon-fed it to me when no one else was around, then waited patiently for days for me to decide to parrot that expression in front of someone else … the whole process was like a mind ninja masterpiece. Well done, sir, well done!